“Wanna Fuck?”
It is the standard question on the orange and black app that starts with a G. It feels like every question, every mention and every initiation of conversation runs along with the variation of ‘Wanna Fuck?” and if so how, when and where. It has been almost a month since being on the app and it is the most common question asked. My answer is usually ‘no’ or ‘not interested’ or ‘good luck.’ The questions continue and the reactions are usually the same until there is one who can go beyond those questions and generally want to meet.
Sex is great. Sex is wonderful. If one is looking for sex, it is my hope they get as much of it as they can from as many people as they wish. It isn’t me. I’m in pain. I’m in mourning as the love of my life has emigrated from Hong Kong to another country. When with him, I didn’t want anyone else. My time was devoted to him. It may have made me off balance but I was the happiest person in the world. There are absolutely no regrets as to what happened. In fact, being with him made me a better person in every single way. I feel like if I’m with another, it would be a form of cheating. This will pass, but it is how I feel today.
Before meeting him, I was social. If there was a party, an outing, a hike — I was there. If one were to invite me to the opening of a letter — I’d go. When we dated, I started to say maybe then eventually no. There were excuses to be with him only. He is not social and uncomfortable around crowds. His idea of a ‘good time’ is never leaving the apartment. He changed because of my desire to explore and find new places but he still felt most comfortable at home with just me. If there was a social thing — I knew he would say no. More and more; I’d say no too.
In essence, I built my life around him and it was amazing. It brought a measure of joy I’ve never felt before. Now he is gone and I’m trying to reconstruct a new life — a new way of going through my day. It is hard. There is the pain of remembering how it was like with him. There is this feeling of guilt about asking to join others for things after being away for so long. The dialogue in my head is more “oh now you are single you want to come to the BBQ?” It is true. It also makes me not want to ask.
I’ve turned to the apps like the one with the G. Where I have found the ones looking for a good time. Some of the other apps have been better and actually went on my first date in 10 years last August. It was BAD — super BAD mostly because of me not him. My mindset wasn’t ready to ‘date.’ The guys I was with didn’t think they were dates but in my head, they were and couldn’t get out of it. I talked too much about him. There were pauses and rushed to fill those pauses. There was also guilt — that cheating on him feeling again. I never heard from him and felt guilty messaging him.
All of this will get better. There is a feeling of deleting the app with the G more and more. The ‘guilt of meeting others’ is subsiding and will probably keep it for now but maintain the low profile. In the future, my hope is to find friends.
