I am lonely. I feel like I have forgotten how to talk and how to interact with adults. It has been getting worse and there is concern and not sure where to go or how to approach it.
I’m in love with someone who doesn’t like to be social. He is amazing, wonderful and makes me a better person. Every moment with him is just better. The only problem is he doesn’t like going out. It is too crowded, the food is over priced and the quality not as good for going out to dinner. He doesn’t drink and feels uncomfortable in a bar or with people he doesn’t know. I have become the same way, it feels.
I’m an English teacher at a local school in Hong Kong and have been for the past eight years. For the past seven there has been one person who has talked to me. She left last year and my social awkwardness has been getting worse as the year goes on.
Almost 90% of my day is spent talking to kids under the age of 10 years old. In Hong Kong Primary schools most students stop talking after the fifth year. They need to prepare to get into good Secondary Schools so they can get into good Universities and get good jobs. The hurtles of getting into good secondary schools do not involve speaking English. It becomes the last thing to learn or perfect. The younger kids are the only ones who want to talk because learning is still fun.
Work has also gotten busier since there needs to be changes at work to keep my interest. There are massive changes with different textbooks and ways to help the kids become stronger in English. I have taken a more central role which has brought on more work. To compensate, I have been taking my ADHD pills (Concerta 27mg) more. It gets the work done but notice my social skills are falling or getting worse. The filter that use to be in my brain is removed and I voice what is going on in my head sometimes but don’t catch it before it escapes. Then I think I about what I said and am up until 3:45 am thinking about it all.
Almost a year ago, I joined an NGO to do some volunteer work. My job is an editor for their newsletter. Most of the interactions are through the phone either through the program Slack or Whatsapp and it makes me want to quit. My thought was it would be more social but I was wrong. All of the events are on Hong Kong Island, which is far from my home in the New Territories. They also tend to be either expensive at fancy bars or restaurants and tend to start late and end late. I need to wake up at 6 am for work.
Joining the gym has made me physically feel better but it is not a social place. Almost everyone is on their phone taking selfies, messaging or on Grindr. I even broke down and downloaded Grindr to meet other people but feel guilty because it feels like a form of cheating on my love. There is a fear of being found out and loosing him and he is too good to be lost.
I am stuck. I don’t know what to do.
